07-04-2021, 04:31 AM
Hi everyone,
I'm not clear on what the etiquette of this is , so apologies if this question is out of place. This may not even be the right forum - so please feel free to point me elsewhere if that's the case.
I'm not Jewish but I have a question about family that feels appropriate to ask. I have a number of very close Jewish friends, and there's a closeness and a quality to their families that I admire tremendously - but which is starkly lacking in my own. I've tried broaching this with my friends (of Jewish heritage) - but they inevitably laugh it off and segue with a "haha - if only you knew!". As an outsider, I can appreciate that the history of the Jewish people is such that strength of community and family are more than just "nice-to-haves", they are existential. What I'm asking here is in no way intended to minimise that history - but I hope that there is something I can learn to create a better family - and therefore future - for my little ones.
I know there's no such thing as a perfect family, that knows nothing but peace, joy and connection. Life is challenging - so I'm not looking for a key to a utopian dream. But my wife and I both come from families where the discourse is often so poisonous and protracted that generations of families are affected and effectively walled off from each other. On my side - the focus of all of this originates in my parents. It's sad and despite years of trying to negotiate a better pattern - it persists and those efforts only seem to amplify the problem, which I find confusing. This was less of a problem before my wife and I had children - but we now have two amazing little boys.
The arrival of my sons (actually, the announcement of our first pregnancy) enflamed things further. These days, my mother will visit for 20 minutes every month or two, and my father hasn't bothered in months. My two sisters (my boy's aunties) haven't acknowledged, visited or ever even seen our youngest who is almost 7 months, and it's been a been a year and a half since they saw his older brother. Invitations to Christmas were never made, and I've reached the point where I'm consciously choosing to block further contact. And this hasn't arisen from any cultural or religious animosity either. I'm a white, anglo-saxon Australian: meaning we are about as lacking in cultural traditions as anyone on this planet. And it's not COVID - no one in the family lives more than 15 minutes drive from each other. My question isn't how to solve the challenges above - I don't think there is one. My question is about ensuring that my own family doesn't grow to repeat the same mistakes. So why am I posting here?
I’m very fortunate to have a close circle of extremely good friends - and as it turns out, most of them are Jewish. These are friends that I’ve come to know through university, through work and the social networks that grow over time. It’s not a huge circle of friends - but it is a wonderful source of support, constancy and insight. My friends are the very best people I know. Brilliant, successful, happy, hard-working, kind, supportive - and as I mentioned: Jewish. And it's in my Jewish friends and their families that I've noticed a pattern of empathy, intelligence, education, solidarity and maturity that I really admire. My friends are close to their families, and obviously benefit from their involvement. I doubt the cultural tradition is coincidental. In addition, they are well-rounded and driven. They are intelligent, and well-educated. They are successful, yet humble and supportive of others. They have an empathy and tendency to share and support that I appreciate and try hard to emulate. There’s also a quality that is hard to put language to, but that sits somewhere in the middle of love, strength and intention. Nobility wouldn’t be far from the mark - and a lot of them have a deep passion for justice and soecity. I hope you understand what I'm getting at - and it saddens me that it feels so different to what my own family has cultivated.
So my question is this: In your experiences, what is it that cultivates these qualities? I want my family and children to be more are aligned in spirit to that of their uncles (my friends) than they are to their familial legacy. And I’m hoping you all might be able to give me some insight into how this might be possible.
If you made it this far, thank you.
Thank you and kind regards,
Jonathan
I'm not clear on what the etiquette of this is , so apologies if this question is out of place. This may not even be the right forum - so please feel free to point me elsewhere if that's the case.
I'm not Jewish but I have a question about family that feels appropriate to ask. I have a number of very close Jewish friends, and there's a closeness and a quality to their families that I admire tremendously - but which is starkly lacking in my own. I've tried broaching this with my friends (of Jewish heritage) - but they inevitably laugh it off and segue with a "haha - if only you knew!". As an outsider, I can appreciate that the history of the Jewish people is such that strength of community and family are more than just "nice-to-haves", they are existential. What I'm asking here is in no way intended to minimise that history - but I hope that there is something I can learn to create a better family - and therefore future - for my little ones.
I know there's no such thing as a perfect family, that knows nothing but peace, joy and connection. Life is challenging - so I'm not looking for a key to a utopian dream. But my wife and I both come from families where the discourse is often so poisonous and protracted that generations of families are affected and effectively walled off from each other. On my side - the focus of all of this originates in my parents. It's sad and despite years of trying to negotiate a better pattern - it persists and those efforts only seem to amplify the problem, which I find confusing. This was less of a problem before my wife and I had children - but we now have two amazing little boys.
The arrival of my sons (actually, the announcement of our first pregnancy) enflamed things further. These days, my mother will visit for 20 minutes every month or two, and my father hasn't bothered in months. My two sisters (my boy's aunties) haven't acknowledged, visited or ever even seen our youngest who is almost 7 months, and it's been a been a year and a half since they saw his older brother. Invitations to Christmas were never made, and I've reached the point where I'm consciously choosing to block further contact. And this hasn't arisen from any cultural or religious animosity either. I'm a white, anglo-saxon Australian: meaning we are about as lacking in cultural traditions as anyone on this planet. And it's not COVID - no one in the family lives more than 15 minutes drive from each other. My question isn't how to solve the challenges above - I don't think there is one. My question is about ensuring that my own family doesn't grow to repeat the same mistakes. So why am I posting here?
I’m very fortunate to have a close circle of extremely good friends - and as it turns out, most of them are Jewish. These are friends that I’ve come to know through university, through work and the social networks that grow over time. It’s not a huge circle of friends - but it is a wonderful source of support, constancy and insight. My friends are the very best people I know. Brilliant, successful, happy, hard-working, kind, supportive - and as I mentioned: Jewish. And it's in my Jewish friends and their families that I've noticed a pattern of empathy, intelligence, education, solidarity and maturity that I really admire. My friends are close to their families, and obviously benefit from their involvement. I doubt the cultural tradition is coincidental. In addition, they are well-rounded and driven. They are intelligent, and well-educated. They are successful, yet humble and supportive of others. They have an empathy and tendency to share and support that I appreciate and try hard to emulate. There’s also a quality that is hard to put language to, but that sits somewhere in the middle of love, strength and intention. Nobility wouldn’t be far from the mark - and a lot of them have a deep passion for justice and soecity. I hope you understand what I'm getting at - and it saddens me that it feels so different to what my own family has cultivated.
So my question is this: In your experiences, what is it that cultivates these qualities? I want my family and children to be more are aligned in spirit to that of their uncles (my friends) than they are to their familial legacy. And I’m hoping you all might be able to give me some insight into how this might be possible.
If you made it this far, thank you.
Thank you and kind regards,
Jonathan